Learning how to effectively defuse emotionally charged situations is an essential skill today. Angry shouts of “Move it!” to a person blocking the aisle while frantically searching for an item are common in stores. Clerks are frequently yelled at for limiting quantities or out-of-stock items in high demand such as toilet paper.
Times of stress, such as the changes made for our own safety during the Covid-19 pandemic create emotionally charged situations. We need to understand anger is often a secondary response to cover our fears. When we are angry, it keeps people at a distance, both emotionally and physically.
Here are some simple steps to defuse emotionally charged situations.
- Keep your own emotions calm. If you respond angrily, you will get an equal or greater angry response in return. Force will follow force blindly.
For every unit of time and energy you put into being right, they will use equal or greater amount defending themselves. - Listen calmly to the angry, fearful person until they get all the strong emotions expressed. Avoid trying to reason with them until they calm down. The goal is to avoid a standoff where no one wins.
Remember, they are not angry at you, they are mad at the situation. - Once they have started to slow down, acknowledge the emotion they expressed to you. For example: “I don’t blame you for being upset.” Or, “I know you are worried, this pandemic has us all scared.” This step is extremely important. You cannot get accurate information from an angry customer until you defuse their emotions.
What they are really saying is they want someone to hear and acknowledge their pain. - An apology is a tool you can use to get people’s attention. It is not an admission of guilt. Used skillfully, you can remain in control of the situation. For example: “I’m sorry you are upset and worried.” Notice how I acknowledged their feelings again.
A skillfully expressed apology can defuse the anger. - Once the situation is defused, you can start briefly explaining the reason. For example: “I am sorry I cannot give you the number of items you want at this time because of the pandemic.” Or “I’m sorry I’m taking so long in the aisle. Please let me concentrate to find the item quicker.”
When tempers are short, it’s best to keep explanations short and simple. - Then keep repeating the same simple phrase until they hear you. Occasionally, acknowledge their feelings of fear or anger if necessary, to keep them calm. Then, repeat the simple explanation again.
Play “broken record” by repeating the same simple explanation while remaining calm. - Thank them for their patience and understanding. They may not have been patient and understanding in the beginning. However, this is the behavior you want to encourage the next time they encounter a stressful situation.
Reward the behavior you want repeated no matter how small the step.
When you stay calm, you remain in control of the situation. If you lose your temper, they now can control you. You must stay in control by staying calm! My mother used to say, “He who angers you, conquers you.” She was right.
Would you rather avoid angry people altogether? Unfortunately, the pandemic has caused more people to become angry making it harder to avoid them. The blog post, What to Do When You Want to Avoid Angry People can help you.
Stay calm to stay safe!
Jean
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