Turn upset into laughter with some skillful communication.
Saying the right thing at the right time. Even a skillful communicator can stumble at times of dis-stress. Let me start with an example. My sweet mother-in-law fell and broke her hip. She was moved to a care facility for physical therapy and was upset especially about her lack of independence. Being fiercely independent myself, I can relate. It’s at this point most men would run to the farthest corners of the earth to get away from an angry woman. My father used to head to the chicken house which is what my brother-in-law chose to do. My husband Lars was stuck there with me and his mother trying to be as quiet as he could so he would not be noticed. Can you relate?
After a very long day of making one decision after another, my mother-in-law was at the end of her rope. As I was asking her where she wanted me to put her things she recanted about the situation. Lars in a tenuous voice said, “I love you” like he was tiptoeing through a minefield. I started to chuckle and said “he says that to me when I’m upset too.” She started laughing. It was the perfect thing to say to break the tension in the room.
It was the way he said it with such trepidation at that moment that made it successful. Also, we both knew he genuinely loved us and had no idea what else to say or do. It was perfect! It’s been several days and I’m still laughing as I think about that moment.
Here’s a couple warnings for the men about this technique:
- This works best when we are not mad at you. We are mad at a situation. (If we are mad at you, there are a few more steps before we get to this point).
- She has to know how much you genuinely love her and you want to help before this will work.
Ladies, here’s your part in the communication. It used to make me mad when Lars just sat there and did not say a word. I ‘assumed’ he did not care. That was so far from the truth. He was frozen in fear, worried he’d make it worse so he did nothing. Once I understood what was going on in his mind, I started teaching him some things he could say or do at those moments that would help me get through the situation.
We started with a hug. He would ask me if he could hold me. My job was to accept it since I said it would help. We did not talk, he just held me until I started feeling better. Later, we added the “I love you” when he was able to speak under these circumstance. (I hope you are laughing!).
In all seriousness, let your partner know how he can help – keep it simple –make sure you accept the gesture when it is offered. That is key to its success. Over time, it will flow smoothly and naturally. Then you can share the laughter together.
Here’s to creating more love and laughter in your relationships.
~Jean
