“Not making a decision IS the same as making a decision.” ~Jean Brownlie, WorkerSmarts
Recently, I had a conversation with a woman, the very same conversation in fact that I had with her two years ago. She was trying to decide if she should leave her boyfriend because he is cheating on her, is controlling, and treats her like a doormat. Although she was asking for my advice again, it is not my decision to make.
Instead, I pointed out this was the same situation she asked about two years earlier. She agreed and he treats her worse than before. I reminded her that “whatever behavior you accept, you will get more of.” I asked, “Have you done anything different since the last time I saw you?” She now has proof he is cheating. “Does he have any consequences for his behavior?” She could not figure out what I was asking her so I rephrased it, “Have you given him any reason to quit seeing this person or to treat you better?” She looked at me blankly. That is when I said, “Not making a decision is the same as making a decision.”
By choosing not to do anything different, she has chosen to accept things as they are with her boyfriend. She had not thought about this consciously but as she began to process it, she realized things were not going to get better. She has choices, for example, talk to him about his behavior and let him know the consequences if he does not stop. Consequences might include going to counseling, breaking up, kicking him to the curb and changing the locks, cutting off the money she was giving him, or any variety of things. But first, she had to make a decision she was going to do something about it.
When we make a decision, there are different outcomes we must be willing to accept. In this case if her boyfriend decided to move out, she would be alone again. That takes courage. She has to believe she can have a better life in the long run but it will be painful at first. The only way through this process is to go through the pain.
Once she heals and is on the other side of that pain, a whole new world of choices are open to her. She can go on a trip, move closer to family, spend her money on the things she wants, and eventually there is the possibility of a new love if she changes herself to attract the right kind of man. That means making a decision to not accept certain behaviors and attitudes from the start of a relationship.
It is a long road but well worth the work. One thing for sure, you are better off alone than being with the wrong person. I know because I did it thirty years ago and today I have a wonderful loving husband. I spent thirteen years being single and a parent but they were some of the happiest years of my life. I was having so much fun I told my mother, “I’d stay single forever if I thought it would stay just like it is now.”
Things always do change and thanks to my faith, God gave me another exciting chapter in my life being married again. I hope this gives you the courage to make the right decision for your life and start your process of healing towards happiness today.
~Jean
